I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
tequila makes me forget i have legs
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
