Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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