Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Randomize