i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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