I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
