The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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