I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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