So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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