Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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