Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
whose ass print is on the piano?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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