cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
