Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
