Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
