you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
