Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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