DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
