i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
