He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
