wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
