you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Holy shit dude........stairs
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
