I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
