and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
