he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
