Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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