Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
