i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
