thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
