just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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