i think my tv is drunk
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
