I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
