I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
