can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
