after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
