i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
