He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
