i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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