Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
