if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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