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Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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