cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
