You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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