Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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