im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
