She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
