Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
