I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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