Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
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porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
