The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
it was like having sex with a tree stump
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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