it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
