Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
