Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
