:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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