When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she told me i tasted like america
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
You know, be my cock's hype man.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
