listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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